Re-Partnering: If I Remarry, Are My Late Husband’s or Late Wife’s Family Still My "In-laws"?

Sep 22, 2023

Today’s email question comes from a widower in Michigan:

If I remarry, are my Late Wife’s family still my in-laws?

Ahh, one of the million-dollar questions for those of us who are considering remarriage. Before we dive into this question that was asked, I want to be very clear: BEFORE you re-partner (marriage, domestic partnership, cohabitate, co-mingle assets) it is important and critical for you to have a separate (apart from your partner) assessment of what this will mean to your personal and legal situation. But that is a separate post.

What to Call Them

First, let’s get some terminology out of the way. Your in-laws came to you by marriage (“in-law” versus “birth”). Technically, the term that gets used a lot in this case is “former in-laws” And if you’re jumping up and down or getting angry, I’m with you. This is just one more case where death can be perceived to sever a connection. It’s not rational given that with a long marriage, these people might have been part of your world for 20, 30 even forty years. Or it could have been just a few, but they pulled you into the family and their hearts with an accepting, loving embrace.

This whole idea that legal status drives the relationship is silly-there’s more than enough love to go around.

So let’s change the narrative, shall we?

Choosing What to Call Them

You can choose that relationship. Here are some options:

“Mom” and “Dad” Remember, they’ve lost a child, too, and they might be afraid of losing you in the re-partnering process, even if they want to see you happy. I’ve talked to my fair share of privately worried in-laws who are scared about the secondary loss of YOU when you walk down the aisle.
Outlaws: An oldie but goodie and highly appropriate if their behavior has or will gone off the rails about this or in the past.
Their names: You can still talk about them and work through the details later
Bonus Mom and Bonus Dad: This is my favorite and how I lovingly refer to my bonus daughter Lena (technically my stepdaughter, but I ignored that years ago!). It puts them in the position they are in your life-a loving addition that came with your spouse, a blessing, and leaves PLENTY of room for your new in-laws to add to the party.

So, what does that mean legally?

The legal status of your relationship with your bonus in-laws will be governed by the laws of the jurisdiction in which you live. Because of that, it is important to add to your legal checklist a conversation about what you need to do to preserve your wishes. Some areas to consider might be:

If you want medical information released to them in the event you are hospitalized
If you want them to inherit certain things with the estate
If you want them to be able to take custody of minor children in the event you are incapacitated.

I am not an attorney and I urge you to consult with your advisors to understand what you need to do to make sure your wishes are carried out. A good attorney can also let you know what else you need to think about.

Should I Talk with My Bonus In-Laws About This?

Absolutely! Relationships are a two-way street, and they may be concerned (okay they are!) about what will change with your re-partnering or remarriage. Talking with them separately (without your fiancé or fiancée) at first may allow them to speak freely about their concerns and fears with you, especially if you and your late spouse had children. They may worry about how ALL the relationships will be affected. Having an honest conversation about that with them and with your fiancé(e) can help with the transition. Then, once you have cleared the air, you can lovingly bring your fiancé(e) into the conversation.

It can help to focus on the fact that this can be an addition, not a subtraction.

Should I Talk with my New In-Laws About This?

Absolutely! Relationships are a two-way street, and they may be concerned (okay they are!) about or make assumptions about what will change with your re-partnering with their son or daughter.

You should not have to tear apart relationships from your late spouse in order to be accepted into your new family. Those relationships helped shape you into who you are. At the same time, your new in-laws need to have their feelings respected, too. They may feel uneasy or concerned about this long-standing relationship and if there is room for them as well in the mix. They may have strong ideas that you need to “give up” your old relationships to be accepted.

Above all, you should not make your children “choose” between the in-laws and the bonus in-laws. This is about more love to go around, not about competition.

What If My Former In-Laws Cut Me Off?

Unfortunately, this happens, too. It’s a difficult situation and can be caused by many factors: fear, misunderstanding of the situation (that this is what is “supposed” to happen), resentment of your new relationship, life changes in their world, or anger that you have found love again. They may be worried about the timeline, or the fact that your new marriage or re-partnering will cause you to forget their child (as if that was even possible!).

You can reach out and give them the opportunity to be an ongoing part of your new world, a continued loving addition to your family. If they choose not to respond, or respond cruelly, then you may need to mourn this as one of the secondary losses that come with widowhood.

What Can I Do to Make this New Family Arrangement Work?

There are several things you can do to make this work:

Understand what people need to feel valued and included. If there is a “special vacation” or “special hobby” that your children look forward to with your bonus inlaws, then try to preserve that.
Be clear with everyone that “scorecards” will not be kept or honored: Sometimes, fear can cause people to want to “keep a tally” of how much time is spent. Trust me on this: if you make it clear that you don’t keep scorecards and will not respond well to them, then that keeps the nonsense to a minimum and limits a potential competitive situation. Likewise, be clear with your children that scorecards are not acceptable between the grandparents-that they are lucky and blessed to have people who love them.
Everyone gets a special nickname: Seriously. Gigi, Nana, Pop, Double Pop are just a few I’ve heard. And the grandparent-grandchild relationship is something magical.
Be open to creating new traditions and honoring old ones: Create new special moments with your in-laws and and you and your spouse and children. Honor the old ones to the degree that you can
Stagger the holidays: Who says Christmas is only on December 25^th? In my family, Christmas starts after Thanksgiving and extends until the end of January so I can see friends, family, in-laws, cousins, etc.
Make the rules that suit your family: Sunday family breakfast can be breakfast-for-dinner with a grandparent on Monday. One family I know has the “Gigi Brigade” where all the grandmas (new and bonus) take the kiddos out for a day of adventure. It works beautifully for them-the Gigis are able to split the load of the energetic kids and the kiddos love their Gigi’s.

As it often does, widowhood causes us to create new configurations in our world-new families, new love, more opportunities and above all, change. Because of that, adopting a flexible approach as you re-partner with the person you love can help you design a new life, one that suits who you are becoming, honors your past..and your future.

Do you have an experience with remarriage? Re-partnering? Comment below.

Do you have a question about widowhood? Email Maggie More, The Widow Coach at info@thewidowcoach.com.

Hugs, The Widow Coach

__________

About the author: Maggie Moore, The Widow Coach™ is a Certified Grief Recovery Method Specialist™, Widow, and Coach. She specializes in taking clients from “desolation to transformation” via her Widowed Navigator™ system, teaches a full suite of grief recovery classes, is a sought-after speaker for groups and professional certification, and consults with businesses affected by loss. You can reach her at maggie@thewidowcoach.com

Re-Partnering: If I Remarry, Are My Late Husband’s or Late Wife’s Family Still My "In-laws"?

Discussion about this post