Letting Relationships and Friendships Go: Using Your Anxiety as a Tool

Sep 27, 2023

This blog post is going to be a little different from my usual ones. I'm going to get personal about relationships and friendships when we're widowed. I learned some hard lessons in the first year of widowhood and I relearned them again last year when it came to a friendship that I had.

Initially, I was good friends with this person who was also widowed and dating. We had some common interests and supported each other. I started to become concerned about the friendship when I noticed that he was serial dating several widowed women, never more than a few months, and he always described them as the reason for the breakup, and negatively. By the second situation and subsequent breakup, my anxiety started to rise.

I liked this person as a friend, but I really started to dislike his dating. I recognized we are all on a path to self-discovery and I try to “live and let live” as much as possible in my personal relationships. The challenge came into play when I actually got involved with someone that I liked very much. It was completely unexpected and took me by surprise. Things were new, and confusing, and I was dealing with some major personal challenges. In retrospect, I wasn’t ready to date, but my judgement was off. I wasn't ready to have that conversation with my son that I was dating anyone or getting involved with anyone.

However, I did tell my guy friend. It turned out to be a huge mistake. Both the relationship and telling my guy buddy but I learned something in the process. The relationship didn't pan out and it shattered me on so many levels because I was already grieving the loss of my father and dealing with some difficult situations in my personal life, including managing my son’s grief and anxiety after losing three father figures by his 19^th birthday. The one-year anniversary of the loss of my chapter 2 to Brain Cancer was coming up. It was really tough in my personal life and it taxed me to my limits.

But I also learned something: sometimes these situations reveal people's intentions in ways that you wouldn't expect. When it became clear that I was involved with somebody else, my friend, rather than be happy for me, was very critical of the situation. It also became clear that he was jealous of the fact that this was taking away some of my attention…from him. I got angry. My anxiety rose too.

Those of you who have been with me a long time know that I am very determined to become better and learn from my mistakes. I reflect daily and weekly on the things that I do well and could do better. Sometimes that reflection is tough. As my son says, “you are tougher on yourself than anybody I know and gentler on everyone else.”

But that reflection teaches you lessons. One of which is that anxiety is a valuable early warning system but that it can get hijacked by grief... sometimes anxiety lies to us because we are dealing with grief that constantly triggers and retriggers trauma. But not every time. Anxiety can be very helpful to help identify issues that occur in your personal life. Sometimes our body and systems recognize issues before our heart and mind do.

I started to feel really anxious in my relationship with this person... it became less about supporting and more about me being present for anything that was going on in his world... in essence the relationship became unbalanced and my response to that was to feel anxious and stressed. The anxiety got worse when I tried to do something that made ME happy and he was very critical of it.

The truth is that the friendship had run its course in its present form... he wanted some things that we're not healthy for me...huge amounts of my time and attention without reciprocity.

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How to Assess and Respond to Anxiety When It Triggers:

1) Approach anxiety with curiosity, not doubt: When you're anxious you need to approach that anxiety with curiosity...Ask yourself some key questions and take some steps:

Why are you anxious?
Is there a relationship or group of relationships that is causing the anxiety?
Are there common factors and situations?
Is it centered around a relationship with a specific person?

Approach anxiety from the outside. If examine it as a friend looking in from the outside, what would you see and what else would you need to know? Approaching it with curiosity allows you examine it without triggering self-doubt or blame.

2) Set your boundaries: My clients know my common coaching phrase is, “When in Doubt, Set Boundaries Out!” If you want to know if you're in a healthy relationship with somebody, set a boundary and then sit back and watch what they do. Healthy people will respect your boundary and understand that you need that for a reason. Unhealthy or unhealed people will trample that boundary because of their demons or a need to maintain control.

At first, I tried to heal the friendship by setting a boundary. I calmly stated I wasn't happy with the way he was very critical of people that I was interested in or trying to date. I also set a boundary on my personal priorities. I told him that it wasn't OK to joke about committed relationships, marriage or getting married because that was something that was extremely sacred to me.

3) Watch What People Do-Ignore What They Say: Once you set a boundary that is hard (health, sanity or happiness) then you watch what someone does, NOT what they say.

Once you have that information, you only two choices if someone refuses to change:

Accept the behavior and relinquish your boundary: Be very careful before you consider this option-what is the cost to YOU of doing this? Almost always, when I am working with a client on a boundary issue, this option results in consequences for YOU. If you need to accept this temporarily, communicate that and set a hard deadline to resolve the issue.
Reject the behavior and enforce your boundary. Almost always, this is the healthiest way to go. You set that boundary for a reason.

In this case I was at an “oxygen mask” moment in my life, a time similar to that moment on an airplane where you need to take care of yourself first before helping others. I knew that I had things to take care of myself because of the drain on my personal life. I needed to be there with for son and myself. was grieving my father, my last relationship potential and a few other personal things that were in transition in my family.

4) You can also set a Boundary By Leaning Back: Remember, you can always LEAN BACK if you need time to take care of things into account. Leaning back and and taking care of yourself is ALWAYS an option.

In this case, I set another boundary stating I needed the time to take care of the numerous challenges in my personal life and told my friends I was stepping back to do so. All of them respected it except this one person. The fact that he did not respect it told me he had no respect for our friendship or me.

Another friend of mine really crystallized what I needed when he said to me, “Maggie anyone who cares about you will care about your mental health. This guy can only cares about himself because you've told him what you need and what hurts you. He's gone ahead and done it again anyway. It's time and you know it to let this relationship go.”

So I did.

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Lessons Learned:

1) People come into your life. Not all are meant to stay. Multiple losses (my husband to a car accident, my chapter 2 to brain cancer, and my father to Alzheimers) plus the potential relationship that never materialized and broke my heart taught me people come into our lives for a reason a season or a lifetime. We get into trouble when we confuse them. This relationship came into my life for a reason... My guy friend was there for me and I for him at the time that was important to both of us to have someone to talk to, but who he became was not healthy for me.

2) You aren’t an ATM: You cannot be there for personality types to make 100% withdrawals on your time and energy without deposits from them or somewhere else. Yes, we all go through periods of challenge. But friends will put on an oxygen mask on YOU, too. They will not take all the oxygen (and attention), bleed you dry and eventually ask you how you are doing when you are drained and gasping for air.

3) Healthy Boundaries help Sort Out your Relationships: If you concentrate on your healthy boundaries, then relationships that aren’t healthy will level up or fall by the wayside.

4) True friends are there not only for the person you are, but the person you are becoming: But ultimately your friends in widowhood need to be there for not only the person you are at that moment but the person that you're becoming. They need to respect your boundaries and the things that you care about or that hurt you.

5) Widowhood makes things hurt more. Widowhood levels you and that changes how you approach relationships. What makes it different in widowhood is that you're more susceptible to emotional swings and the hurts hurt deeper because your emotional regulation is off. That's the neuroscience behind it... But emotionally it just plain hurts like heck.

6) Anxiety is a companion in widowhood, but it’s also a warning sign. When your anxiety flashes and goes off repeatedly, something is feeling like a warning and you need to pay attention. You can then decide what is causing it and when/if/how you can address it. Sometimes that is a relationship that is off balance.

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Questions to Ask Yourself When Something Triggers Your Anxiety in Friendships or Relationships:

Sometimes, you’re just anxious because you’re widowed and you’re trying to deal with way to many life changes at once. Other times, it’s a warning signal that things are out of balance.

Here are the questions to ask yourself when you're evaluating relationships:

1) Notice your anxiety around a person and evaluate the source. It could be many things: they are triggering something in you, they are violating your boundaries, or the situation is bringing up your grief. When that happens here are some good questions to ask:

What is the situation that causes this? Are there similarities when it happens more than once?
Is my anxiety generalized (every time I talk to them) or specific (a situation or topic)?
Can I explain why I feel anxious around this person?
How does my energy feel before, during, and after when I have talked with them?
Does taking a short break change the situation help? How do I feel after a recharge?

2) Notice Actions and see if they match Words. Actions will always be more telling than words:

Does this person love and respect me enough to stop doing things that are hurtful?
Does this person hide hurtful comments in humor then claims it is a “joke?”
Does this person respect a healthy boundary? If they trample that boundary, let them know about it. If they continue to trample it, then that says that they either have unhealed hurts, they don’t respect your needs, or worse they are manipulating you.

Sadly, the friendship did not survive. I’ve learned during that year of stress what I need. I need people around me who honor and respect me as much as I honor and respect them.

Letting Friendships or Relationships Go:

I lost a lot last year. Friendships, relationships, a parent whom I was incredibly close to.

It’s okay to let relationships or friendships go. Sometimes, you need to wish someone well, far away.

Those relationships I let go? I sent them on their way with the following:

I wish them well. I wish them healing. I wish them happiness.

My path lies elsewhere.

Do you have an experience with having to set a boundary with a friend? Letting a friendship go? Was there a time when your anxiety let you know it was time for a change? Comment below.

Letting Relationships and Friendships Go: Using Your Anxiety as a Tool

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